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I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.