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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.