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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich