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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.