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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!