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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so Iām just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.