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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.