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Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.