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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.