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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.