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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.