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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks