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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.