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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Life`s too short for Salad..............
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.