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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.