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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M