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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list