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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.