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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!