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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.