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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again