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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks