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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.