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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.