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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Valentines day
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .