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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.