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It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.