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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.