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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands