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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing