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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?