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im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...