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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...