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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.