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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.