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I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Iām glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.