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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.