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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Does running out of money count as exercise?
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.