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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…