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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.