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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.