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Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?