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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.