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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Line forms here for spankings
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...