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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I need more people like me in my life
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.