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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.