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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.