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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5