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Smooth move.........ExLax
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.