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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.