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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.