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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
bras are booby-traps
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.