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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.