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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.