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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.