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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.