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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
i only drink on days that end with y
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.