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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.