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Does this status update make me look fat?
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.