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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!