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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.