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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Walmart needs observation decks.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.