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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.