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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Iām a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Darn right Iām good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.