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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things