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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
is battling with eyelids
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.