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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?