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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?