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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?