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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now