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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Sex, do it for the kids.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?