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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.