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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.