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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!