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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?