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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.