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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.