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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?