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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.