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I like the part of the day when food happens.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!