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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.