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Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Mondays should start at noon.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch