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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
Life is fun! You should get one.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?