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Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.