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How does one get a nice body without moving?
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Iām so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.