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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!