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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.