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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.