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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.