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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.