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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.