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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.