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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.