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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.