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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.