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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.