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Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
My life coach just benched me.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.