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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?