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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.