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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation