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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks