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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.