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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands