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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
It`s no fun if you have permission.