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I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.