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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.