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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )