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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...