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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`