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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.