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It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!