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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.