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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.