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If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Can I get likes for no reason?
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.