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You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.