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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment