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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.