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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!