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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
My pants are 75% off.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.