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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.